Friday, February 29, 2008

the good, the bad...the real real ugly.

One can find the most entertaining items whilst scouring the internet for hours on end. I for one seem to end up on the sites that request a credit card for some reason and due to my limited knowledge and success in the world of finance, i am usually required to turn back like an alpine climber attempting the summit only to find the weather is neither kind nor forgiving. That aside, the sheer amount of information a dedicated forager can gather about something as simple as lets say...bicycle gangs, can be as voluminous as the afore-mentioned alpine peak. You will find the good, the bad, and the real, real ugly!

Lets take a closer look at the most interesting category of the three....the real ugly.

Stumbling upon this picture for me was a lot like you walking in on your wife or girlfriend going at it with your best friend. You feel a sense of betrayal, disgust, a hint of curiosity and then you just get plain mad. I can appreciate that this marginalized person in society feeling the need to ride a mutant, ball-smashing, chopper as part of your bike gang, but why drag an American icon like your friendly neighborhood Spider-man into the cesspool with you? Lose the costume until you are handily landing on the podium of a few local Cat 1 races or better yet; take up a more honest hobby like robbing convenience stores.

There are so many things wrong with this picture/scene i don't really know where to start. I feel dirty looking at it for too long and yet find myself being drawn back to it like a rubbernecking commuter, hoping to see a severed arm or crushed foot under the roadside wreckage for no other morbid reason other than having something interesting to talk about once i get to work. I believe this photo warrants a cataloged breakdown of its numerous visual offenses.

First. Tall bikes are the human equivalent of pec implants. You take something that, admittedly may not be perfect, then weld double the mass to it and make something monstrous. Alot of readers might make the assumption that tall bikes are made, that isnt always the case, they can be the spawn of cast off double-butted chrome moly cast offs left too long to their own devices. as pictured below. Leave this pile for three to four months and when you come back, low and behold what do we find here? A tall bike at the bottom of the dung heap.

Second: The village people look died with hula-hoops and only works for Bikers with questionable moral backgrounds.

Third:WTF is with the shaving and or whipped cream.

Fourth: The only place you will find a group of guys jousting is the only place you will find a bigger group of guys with less of a firm grip on reality. A Renaissance festival

This one is less about the unappealing sense of graffiti and more about missing an opportunity. The "artist", and trust me I use the term in the loosest of sense of the word, obviously failed to properly convey his feelings to the concrete effectively. His first shortcoming was to place the picture improperly on the canvas by starting the painting at the top and then running the bottom bracket and half the wheels into the ground. No points for style on the chosen font either, and the dagger that is purportedly there to add support the threatening phrase "ride or die" should actually read "ride or get a nasty little poke from this sharp thingy"

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Fixed gear mistakes

I have found out (the hard way) that with the recent resurgence of fixed gear bikes, there seems to be an equal amount of mis-steps along that all to bumpy road paved with good intentions. Here are some of the most recent offenders with some commentary for good measure.

Adding a dash of color to a bike is alot like adding arms to a human torso. One is not enough, three is too many. Both of these bikes appear to be competing for the title of McFixie(R) "I'm lovin' it!"

Here we have a fellow Fuji bike owner. it become apparent that the owner takes some pride in his buildup and self assembly. That i can appreciate. painting the frame as if it were a curio cabinet with blue and white crackle paint on the other hand i cannot appreciate. Yes the baby shit yellow paint that the bike came with had to be tough to roll with any self dignity intact, but you my friend have gone from the frying pan into the proverbial fire with this decision.

I can imagine the tool that took this photo as he lined this one up; "The predataor stalks his vulnerable prey through the dense forest of silk ferns, cheap linoleum and lime green paint..." Unfortuneatly for him no amount of natural camoflauge can hide this mistake. Yes we get it, you built a bike out of bamboo, yes we know bamboo is a grass not a wood, yes we think you are socially better then the rest of us and probably transport said monstrosity to and from your metric centry rides via a car that runs only on batshit and toenail clippings. Yes ten years from now you have indeed saved one less steel or carbon fiber bike from finding its way into the dump, but what you dont realize is there will be a wobbly wooden one to take its place in half that time.
the SK bottom line: if you arent sure...go ahead and build it, just dont post it.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

The Kings roll out and oft times have to roll hard for whats right.

Superman has Lex Luthor, Spiderman the Green Goblin, Team Astana the get the picture. Recent auditions for the role of "Street king nemesis" found a more then willing volunteer in a Scottsdale resident we will simply refer to as DAR (delusional Angry Resident).

DAR found time in his busy schedule of daytime drinking and starbucks runs, to take the kings to task for, of all things, having the nerve to show up to a city council meeting. A meeting where he had hoped to take the role of bully pulpit hero and bang his hands dramaticly at the end of each sentance to wild applause from the throng of rabid supporters. Things didnt go his way that night.
Below are some quotes. If you can guess which ones are attributed to DAR you will be rewarded with a shot of a fellow bike enthusiast If you get it wrong. You get the Scottsdale Short bus. No mouse overs..I will be watching. Once you complete the quiz, click the quotes for a link to the battleground.


"I'm wondering if you can share with me the flamer to non-flamer ratio in the biking community?"

Gay/biking community activist Robin Williams

Quote #2:

"I can take a 9 plus out of Sapporos any night I choose too."

The phoenix Suns newest aquisition Shaquille Oneal


"I won a shitload of golf tournaments from my teen years through my 20s"

The street kings own Kale "killer slice" Keltz

"please save your lies for a nitwit Scottsdale blonde at Sapporos who might just buy your lies."

(oh the irony...)
a fellow bicyclist enthusiast sticking up for cyclists inside hidden hills

"Tough guys don't gather up 10 to 12 guys at City Hall to confront/attack 1 guy "

City commissioner Lamo' VanLamehorn

How did you score?

Friday, February 22, 2008

During the layoff.

You might be wondering what the street kings have been doing since they werent riding and reeking havoc city wide for the last few weeks. Well for one...working on the bike collection.

Option Two...Working

Or option 3....working on some sick skids to make the comeback all that much f*ing sweeter!!!

Street Kings storm City Hall!

The street kings were out in force last nite for some sweet skids, a few brews and some political fist fighting at Scottsdale city hall. The referendum to exclude cycles from the hidden hills subdivision easment was reason enough to get the gang rolling. All the new machines were up and running. Including the Basso (pictured on the left), and the multicolored Colnago (the description does not require that i point it out in the picture) Sam the beer drinking man AKA "Das Boot" showed up with a sweet Milwuakee built from bens cycle. (note the lumberjack astride the sweet fixie in the back). SK had to serve up a brushback drift to a couple of security officers in a golf cart. (video to follow).

Friday, February 15, 2008

The Street kings aren’t dead….they have just been resting, awaiting the perfect time to strike. And that time is this week Thursday 2/21/08. Member only ride from the normal meeting spot to a still undecided location. Members are reminded that there is always the chance that officer elections will be held after the ride so you should bring your brass knuckles and a good length of chain just in case. Some members made the pilgrimage back to the NAHBS last week to check out the cleanest bikes on the planet and the artists that assemble them. Portland is thick with bikes and bike shops, one shop (That will not be named here as not to offend possible local sponsors) included an impressive shrine to the cannibal. The show offered a lot of fixed gear frames and bikes as well as commuters and “working bikes”.

p.s. SK is now firing at full force.