Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Azfixed on its way.

Here is a little sample of the forum face i have been working on for the last couple of weeks. It has been quite a struggle but i think i should have the forum up and running before the end of the week. There is alot more to it then i realized. I hope to attract some of the locals to the site at upcoming races and events. I am still bummed at the no-ride week this week, but we will certainly regroup next week for some mayhem. I will leave you with the tagline for AZFIXED:

remember life isnt fixed...but fixed is life.

Monday, April 28, 2008

Renegade Alleycat and other events of note

Sam has to dance for the man Tuesday night so he cannot ride. Every other night of the week is covered up, Wednesday is worlds, we will have to call the ride off for this week and get back together with Sam for a proper send off after he has left it looks like. Suicideking represented the Street Kings at the mid-day alleycat on Sunday ran by the Renegade roller derby girls.

This is a few of the roller derby girls. they ran a clean event. with about 25 riders. The race had no manifest instead the girl at each stop yelled the next stop to you as you approached. Some of the stops doubled back on each other and the distance was considerable (16 miles approx). SK fared well as some riders dropped out. There was a cookout at the wedge after where the ladies put together some burgers and beer. Very nice. The race winner is also pictured above. in the upper right hand corner of the picture just over the heavily inked shoulder of this little smiling cutie. Yes he is wearing a full WM kit and riding a carbon Tarmac SL2. He could not have stood out more if he had completed the race nude.

I was in downtown Tempe this weekend and spotted all of our tags from our prior outing. The StreetKIngs are huge on Mill. Speaking of Mill; one of the participants announced there will be a race in the middle of next month titled: Kill Mill. A straight sprint down Mill avenue starting at Tempe Town beach and ending somewhere around University. An interesting sounding event.

Friday, April 25, 2008

The time is at hand...

The end times may well be upon us.

Yes the end is near. No not the end of the world per se’. But the end of a run for one street king: Das boot. Das boot is moving to Chicago to continue to pursue his career of drinking. The Street Kings will ride on Tuesday 4/29 to an undisclosed location for a send off. If you can attend throw a note here so I can call ahead to have the bar clean some pint glasses. Lights and locks required, knuckles and knives optional but highly recommended.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

So this guy walks into a bar...

The handle bar is one piece of machinery on the modern day bicycle that has changed over the years and yet stayed the same all along . Functionality wise the handle bar remains for the most part still the most effective way to steer a moving bicycle. Bars come in all shapes and sizes and specialities yet they all only do one thing: Steer the bike. The different shapes and lengths and weights and colors are all simply ploys to get you the consumer to think you need another set o f bars. Here are some of the less successful handlebar marketing ploys of late on the fixed gear front. Enjoy!
Deda is proud to introduce the Double-sided black love stick. Short enough to squeeze through the tight places yet roomy enough for two full fists (if stacked one on top of the other) The manufacturer recommends use of no lubrication as the gentle flacid curve of the bars may create further slippage.

The Cinelli Fused handlebar and stem set. I know what you are saying; "the stem isn't fused into the bars" why do they call it the fused set?" the answer is; after riding this bike for 2+ hours your second through sixth vertebrae will be fused together due to the advanced inclination. The manufacturer addressed this by pointing out; " the blood that will be rushing to your head as your ass is a good foot above your heart, will surely mask any pain that might be involved. "

Note: this bar does not actually turn per Se but does look really cool going in a straight line.

Introducing EL'TORO! Designed for those annoying fat people on Townies and city bikes that think "on your left" means ...well i don't know what they think it means but least of all that they should move to their right to avoid you. The puncture ability on these bars have been tested on Assos level jerseys but are specifically aimed at the Primal jersey wearer and quality of that ilk. The angle you see pictured here is ideal for kidney lacerations but if you make use of our 44 size can be aimed slightly higher and will puncture both lungs on a person of 5'6" or shorter with a direct hit.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

SK in the news...?

It used to be; A quick internet search of the term "Stret Kings" came up with out little site. Sometimes on the first page of all places. Life was happy and no one got hurt. Then Keanu Reeves apparently blew all his Matrix money on chest implants and bad haircuts and felt the need to work again. Hence the birth of the worst movie of 2008 Street kings. The movie has been panned by the critics however this hasnt stopped the nonstop adverstisements and what must be paid reviews. Now reading through the first five pages of a Google search of the term: street Kings makes me feel like i performed a colonoscopy on Keanu personally. Another vomit inducing find is this website:The Street Kings rock This half assed band even stole my suicide king logo for their wallpaper The Bastards! When someone like these shmucks besmirch the SK name they only cheapen the experience for the rest of the general public. Hopefully a majority of the sheep out there realize they are nothing but cheap imitations and react accordingly.


This is a visual representation of a cheap imitation

This is a cheap imitation of a theme bike (see prior posts for some of the hall of shame on this topic)

Monday, April 21, 2008

Street Kings on the podium.

The alleycat went off without a hitch. Alot of people pitched in to make it happen. THANK YOU! The turn out was lighter than I was hoping but the participants had a good time and that is all that really matters. James T takes the win in outstanding fashion, Das BOot puts up an impressive comeback after being hit by a car moments after the start of the race to finish in second. Some of the other riders had difficulty navigating the streets and there was some misinformation among the riders about where exactly CIty Hall was/is. XXI and Bucket both stepped up with a huge cash prime that ended up in the third place winners hand, and the rest of the field ended up with something top to bottom including Sgt Fury scoring a sweet top tube pad with a fourth place finish.

As promised, the first STreet King to score any hardware in an official Alleycat gets promoted to STreet Luitenient. I give you S.T. James T. I like the sound of that.


Friday, April 18, 2008

The big "O"

This just in: Orlando sucks. That is unless you are between the ages of 6 and 13 and, or consider paying $34.95 for a felt yarmulke with plastic ears glued onto it is “reasonable”. I had to put in some time in there for business this past weekend and found it to be quite disagreeable. Sure they have plenty of beaches and the early bird special for dinner at the local seafood buffet starts at around 11: 15 to accommodate the hordes of retirees, but other than that there is simply nothing remarkable about that swamp infested part of the planet other than the size of the friggen mosquitos. Speaking of Orlando, I realize now why the locals call it the Big “O”, or O-town. Our neighbors in the suite connected to ours with what I considered to be a wall and actually turned out to be as effective at stopping sounds emanating from their room as if I had strung tissue paper up, made a point of visiting the big “O” each night for several minutes. Or at least several more minutes then any road trip I have ever invested in to that location. I had planned on renting a bike and doing some riding between meetings but found myself so worn down from trying not to be outdone by what my wife of many years determined was the inspiration for the song “Sex machine” by James brown, that I simply couldn’t bring myself to turn the pedals. A dark day, a dark day indeed my fellow cyclists. But Florida is behind me now and I can turn my attention to the SK Alley cat race this weekend and some good weather for godsake. The ride in this morning was like training in Belgium, (or so I understand, I have never actually trained in Belgium although I have drank my share of Belgium beer and I understand that feels a lot like training in Belgium). I was dealt another harsh blow today when one of the Streetkings first string team for the Alley cat reported he would be unable to attend said race. (St. Paul) I assured him that the rumors there would be UCI testing onsite were completely and absolutely false, however he in turn assured me he will be (and this is the cruel part) seeking a new domicile…IN ANOTHER STATE. ST Paul is not only a founding member, but was one of the inspirations for the Street Kings to begin with. I intend to personally suggest at the next meeting that any name referencing Minnesota be retired in his honor. Das Boot suggested that at each bar we order one extra beer and place it on the bar for St Paul as a reminder of a man missing in action. This motion has since been revealed to simply be a ploy for Das Boot to suck down an extra beer each round and was summarily defeated in a democratic manner. My next communiqué will be post race and be filled with results and pictures I can assure you of that. Things are looking up. They cant get any worse.

Tom Boonen's "O" face.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Bike love!

Bike love. It too has many splendors. Bike love takes on many forms and gyrations. This is one. Lets face it...we have all thought about it, this guy is pulling it off. On a rigid big-box bike no less. Still rocking the lead based Chinese-made water bottle the bike came with as well. This guy has a rear mounted kickstand for gods sake and still scoring with the babes. The air must be real thin in parts of Europe. That or the bird flu has ravaged all of Asia and is soaking into the Tuscan region. You could lock this bike up with a daisy chain of straws from McDonalds and still find it outside your dorm room in the morning. F*ing unbelievable !

Yes there is a difference between loving your bike and bike love. Loving your bike is a given. Lest you forget this reporter was one of the first to break this story of bike love gone wrong. I assume everone loves their bike (not like that) Unless you are stradling the E-bay gem that James T is currently. That bike has more disconcerting rides then a weekend at the neverland ranch.

Hot dirty bike love.

This next example however is a different kind of bike love altogether. This is the kind of bike i would love to happen across with about 3.5 Stellas in the tank. If this is your bike and it somehow crosses my path; simply trust that I will do the cycling world a favor and gladly put your popsicle stick spokes out of their misery starting with that poor excuse for a front. This isnt a bike, its a summer camp project gone terribly wrong.

There are moments/days that I pray my bike will love me back. Get me to the top of that next climb you creaking little carbon love machine. But some days she just wont, she cant. She is incapable of caring back no matter how many times I whisper sweet nothings into the top tube. You can love your bike. You can have bike love. (see above) You just cant expect your bike to love you back some days. But hey..two out of three aint bad.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

State Fixie championships

I dont know it was the name (downtown showdown) or the game (fixed gear crit), or the fact that a Street King rolled his steed to the starting line (James T) that had them running, but the turn out at the fixed gear state race this past weekend was short, as short as...well lets just say it was short and leave it at that. Using the same figure eight as the other state crits, the fixed gear crit saw only one real break away, and it stuck. A finish-line sprint saw James T master the field for a convincing second place podium place. Surprisingly and thankfully, no wrecks.

Tribute to James T bringing one home for the Kings, and heres to his success at the upcoming Alleycat.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Ah spring time! The smell of lycra and spilled cytomax fills the air as road racing season in the west is still in full swing. The buzz and humming sound can be heard from mountain bikers complaining that the trails are in poor shape from every other idiot braking through corners they can blaze right through resounding from McDowell to White Tanks. Bicycles of every color of the rainbow and some you don’t find in the natural color spectrum popping up on auction sites fresh from garages where they have sat unridden since being purchased as new years commitments to lose weight four months earlier. Yes, these are the signs of springtime in the valley, all indicators that summer is just around the corner. That and the last “snowfall” of the year after some idiot pours a bottle of shampoo in the Old Town stallion fountain.

Springtime also seems to bring out as many new wacko ideas as new growth; My recent perusal of an online article titled: How to drift on a bicycle; Yielded no information that I, or any other six year old with a coaster brake didn’t already possess, however I did find step number 14 to be quite unusual.: Putting the rear tire in the freezer for a week will make it even more slippery, but it will wear out/crack very fast. While this little nugget was the only real odd idea of the article; a similar article titled: How to impress your friends on a bicycle. Is more of a How-to for breaking a body part you might need and regret not having at a later date. Some of the bullet points include but are not limited to:
Ride no handed
Ride no handed (another way)
Do a wheelie
Do an Endo
Stand on your bike.

Sadly there is not a single mention of jumping over anything on fire or trying to race across train tracks with a moving train approaching, but I also feel the author is saving some of the good stuff for the sequel: How to get laid when your sole form of transportation is a bicycle. There is another article in the series of how-to’s that had me completely stymied at first: How to do an Exup on a bicycle: I must admit I was intrigued at what exactly an exup is and wasn’t that clear after reading the brief article. I will give you the guts of the thing and see what conclusions you come to.

1. Go off the ramp that you are comfortable jumping.
2. When first learning this trick, turn your bars just slightly at first.
3. As you progress and feel comfortable with smaller x-ups, turn your bars more and more until you can turn them around 180 degrees.
4. Turn the bars back to your normal position, preferably straight, and land like normal
I like the fact that if you were to follow the steps in order, you would have gone off a ramp you feel comfortable jumping and then move to step two in mid-air. I hope everyone of you is enjoying the weather and joys of springtime, and remember the most important thing is: Step #4 Land like normal! For gods sake.

Friday, April 11, 2008


Three bars, multiple locations hit with Street Kings Tags, and oh yeah...i rocked the new Fixie inc Peacemaker. The bike came out great. Clean lines, alot of chrome and no shipping damage although the shipping box appeared as though it had been transported via camel or water buffalo. The crew was small but tight and put back more pints then i can count. We hit all the normal spots and came across a few riders that we told about the Alleycat. I hope the race is hitting. I scored some sweet gear this week and finished the racing manifests.

Members in attendence 4/10/08:
Das Boot

James T


ST paul

SuiCiDe KiNg (on the sweet fixie as mentioned earlier)

XXI (Cameo stop at the cantina)

Thursday, April 10, 2008

To brake or not to brake...

For the first time ever the State crit Championships are going to include a fixed gear, open category crit, with the winner taking home a nice purse of $500. Sounds good right? Well if the fixed portion of the race doesn’t scare off a lot of the more “seasoned racers” I am sure the open category spec will. The race does require two operating brakes. I don’t think anyone with a track frame is going to drill out their fork boss or rear stay mount for one race, not that a lot of the real tight frames could carry a brake even once they were drilled. I still love the fact they are putting it out there. Sadly SK will be in Florida. The only place I will be drilling any hot laps into this weekend will be around the resort pool with a Mojito in hand.

I can see the state championships requiring brakes for the purported safety of the group and a sponsored crit and all. However most people that start with a road bike and end up with a conversion of some sort, seem to feel the need to put a brake on somewhere. A fad that is sure to fade quicker than arbitrarily using the letter “Z” in the middle of words to sound like you have “street cred”. The brake thing anyways, i dont see the conversion "fad" ever going away. See Bizlow

The Nevada Police were so disgusted with this conversion they are impounding it to melt it down to make gaming tokens no doubt

I love the fact that the two bike cops are both fat slobs that look like twin brothers. In a straight up street pursuit tweedle dumb and tweedle dumber on their full suspension Fuji mountain bikes with all terrain knobbies wouldn't stand a Twinkies chance in their lunch pail of getting ahold of this bike.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Double post day

There is a ride scheduled for Thursday night. Sound off if you plan on attending.

But wait...theres more!

Another take on theme bikes. Accidental or not, alot of fixies seem to have some kind of theme.
I can dig it. I was considering doing a series of bikes that mirrored 80's TV shows.

Hill Street blues
Starsky and Hutch
The Dukes of Hazzard

Here is my tribute to a couple of other 80's themed bikes:
Never ending story. The movie about the last kid on some distant planet and his killer flying Pekingese .Tight

Miami Vice. I am ashamed I didnt think of this first. The pastel colors were so friggen sweet. There are two schools of thought on the people that loved Miami Vice; When it came down to it, I was firmly entrenched in Sonnys camp.

James Bond was a fixture in the Eighties. Babes, booze, and a shit load of cool gadgets. Bond has a standing invitation to any Street King function.

I pity the fool that thinks this bike sucks!

Pac Man is in a three way tie with fast food and pornography for the biggest waste of my lunch money during junior high.

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

A little quiz qhile we wait for my fixie to arrive.


Yes the fixie has been delayed. Lets not dwell on it. More on that later. Instead lets make fun of other peoples shit to kill some time while we wait. Here are some Craiglist gems that i couldnt pass up. Each has its own sordid little tale of woe undoubtedly. I mean lets get down to brass tacks, if you have to resort to listing a bicycle on a forum where the average price of a complete build is somewhere south of $25.00, You may not be described as desperate, but you can see it from where you are standing. For all those mountain bikers out there, lets just refer to it as "Sub-Deore" and leave it there, i think we all can relate to that.

Now heres the fun part:

Get the question right, you get a little hottie on a bike.

Get the question wrong. You get a face full of this hottie on a bike. (ironic isnt it?)

Dont worry, its multiple choice. No essays.

Once you have made your decision, click on the picture for the full story.

This Craigs List poster worries that:

A) this bike might be too much for the everyday phoenix cyclist.

B) His price of $300 is so high that the Craigs list cops might take down his auction.

C) His custom top-tube label "GET A SPINE" might be mistaken for an actual brand name.

This next poster gets the legal mumbo jumbo out of the way and tells potential buyers to beware this bike is:

This seller admits the bike is not a finished product, his description of the bikes condition is:

A) 50% complete for the street

B) A rolling garage sale looking for a place to set up a card table and make a couple of bucks.

C) Just needs a chain and the bolts to hold the chain ring otherwise ready to go.

D) Poor condition! If this bike were a pet he would be doing time in tent city for posting these pictures.

This poster states the exorbitant price of $90 is fitting as these bars are:

A) Cut to the ideal length for dodging taxi cabs.

B) Include a limited edition of the Chameleons U.K. Edition LP (also pictured)

C) The ones he used as a messenger in cisco (where ever the hell that is)

Note: if any of this crap is yours and you feel you have been slighted or misrepresented...take it up with your local minister. The Street Kings dont do hugs.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Bike rat a tat tat

I have felt the rush of freedom and power that a bicycle can provide. I have been on the 'epic ride' on a mountain bike feeling at one with nature and myself at the same time. I have gotten the jump late in a meaningless race sprint and then pushed my wheel over the line first for the "greatest moment of my racing career". I have been on the bike for a century ride where the world fades away and its just me and the bike and then somewhere around mile 85 its just me. I have done all these things (not at any kind of a competitive level mind you) but i have experienced them all at one point or another, probably much like you have. What i haven't done, is feel the need to record any of those moments permanently on my body in tattoo form. (not that there is anything wrong with that) When i come across someone with a bike related tattoo i usually feel like i understand them a little better. Like we sat down and had a beer and they shared the details of one of the biking memories that is marked as indelibly on their mind and now their skin. Here are a couple of memories for you to ponder.

This one is the least surprising of all the ones i have come across. I always assumed having a tattoo similar to this one is a requirement on some level to joining in a critical mass ride. This is one i probably wouldn't have seen were it not for the Internet or got invited to a critical mass after party. Judging from the pasty skin the rider doesn't ride shirtless often or lives in Fairbanks Alaska where its dark four months out of the year. I do wonder if he was simply into celebrating life outside of prison confinement when he drew in the iconic man with his hands raised and then added the bike later. We will never know.
This one is another take on the same theme. Critical mass this time with a little artistic license. This picture I really like. Not enough to have it tattooed on the crack of my ass, but I like the art.

This picture boggles my mind and angers me at the same time. The poor art aside, A chain ring on the calf is one of the most popular tattoos, the choice to tattoo an entire road crank on your leg is another thing altogether. Why did he choose a triple for gods sake? Is he subconsciously courting a Cat 5 woman with similar objections to climbing? There is a place for a triple in the cycling world; its on the bottom bracket of a budget beginner bike and not across anyones calf. Looking at his bike in the back ground i would not be the least bit surprised to find an inked top-tube pump along his inner thigh.
Here is another deviation on the crank on the calf motif. HR Geiger meets the terminator. Single chain ring embedded under the skin. I am not sure what the shop used for reference for the crank and chain ring. Possibly a pulley from a washing machine or the timing chain gear off of an 85 Subaru 4 cylinder.

This one bothers me on many levels and i almost feel bad about disparaging it or pointing out its flaws...almost. Anyways i am sure its nothing he hasn't heard before. First the things i like about it:

1) Its bike related

2) The freckles give the appearance the bike is resting on the storied cobbles of Paris-Roubaix after a long days work on a historic race.

3) Did i mention its bike related?

Now, why did anyone feel the need to include the oddly mounted pump and a highly detailed water bottle complete with company logos, but couldn't manage a believable chain line or something, anything, that resembled a derailleur? Top tube pad: Completely unnecessary. And a note for all the other amateur artists out there; there is no shame is using a template to make perfect shapes like wheels. I will hold back any judgement on the decision to present the bike as if every component and part is red. There is the off chance this color looks alot better against the back drop of the tattoos owners red hair.

Yes i realize this is not a bike related tattoo directly. However this is the one situation i have spent the most time considering. I cannot seem to wrap my mind around someone wanting to tatto their entire face and scalp that wasnt part of an intimidation racket in a third world country. The fact this guy is a pro athlete and happens to be a cyclist is the reason he finds himself on my blog for a third time in as many months. I watched him race in San Dimas and found all other aspects of him as a person to be normal (not suprisingly). However the tattoos he reasons "give him a feeling of facial accupuncture" and calm him, put me in a constant state of awe struck slack jaw. If i ever commit to a tattoo, it will be all the way just like this cat. BOOM!

Friday, April 4, 2008

Bad Day, good day

Bad day. This picture requires no further explanation.
Bad day.

Ive seen the movie. And the answer is no. i dont want a roundhouse kick to the head from a guy wearing stars and stripes hammer pants. that would be a bad day.

Good day.

I know what you are thinking: how can locking your bike to streetlamp pole to find it and the bike you had locked to it gone when you stagger out of the Veggie Tea house after a filling meal of bean curd and Alfalfa sprout mini chimmis be a good day? Well the answer is an easy one: the bike is worth less than the chain its locked up with for starters. IfThis was your bike, you needed an excuse to get a new bike. The union stiff that felt it was easier to carry both the pole and the bike connected to it to the shop to change the light bulb probably could use a bike, Im not saying that he would necessarily have the mental facilities to operate it.